I have now been transitioning from male to female for six months. Three out of those medically (as in taking hormones among other things) and almost two months socially (gradually fem presenting in public).

Surely it won’t be a surprise to anyone that this process has been more than exhausting. And while I still manage to have a very fulfilling and eventful public life, the sheer scale of exhaustion that comes with transitioning inevitably made me stay at home much more often than before.

Just last week I had a few days off work. Not to travel anywhere or run any errands, but to simply process everything that has happened in my life during these past six months.

And to mentally prepare for what’s about to come.

I wrote about kicking off my process of legal first name and gender marker changes before. 2 months later, after some back-and-forth, I have all the documents that I need in order to proceed with this change – in Germany, that is. Still waiting for what the Estonian embassy has to say to that, but I’m not too worried about that. Plenty of backup options too.

Once those changes are approved, I will officially become a woman.

The thought of this is just as exciting to me as it is scary. I even postponed the appointment with the local authorities by a month just to make sure I am ready. Not only mentally, but physically too. Remember – I’m Slavic 💅🏻

By the time these legal changes kick in, which I’m hoping will be done some time before my 30th birthday in December, I have to make sure that I look pretty enough to myself. The social transition has obviously been helpful with gaining the confidence while presenting fem, yet that doesn’t mean I like my aesthetic or certain body/facial features.

My hairline has been steadily recovering after the transplant done in June, and I can see the density slowly increasing. In the meantime, for the next few weeks at least – I’m still kind of stuck with a hair cap since wearing wigs during recovery is not allowed.

Here’s what I looked like wearing that cap at Berlin’s CSD (which had a tragic ending this year) just a month ago:

And I’d argue that I look conventionally pretty already, but as long as there are parts of me I use to present fem that aren’t real – that aren’t mine, I won’t be satisfied. Which is why, once I start going through other surgeries, they will only be about removing, not adding. Even the hair that was transplanted is mine. Can’t say the same about the hormones I’m taking though 😬

Legal changes will mark a point of no return for my career as well. I’ve had no intentions of ever hiding from my colleagues what I’ve been going through. My bio on Slack has had the mention of “all pronouns 🏳️‍⚧️” for some months now too. I’m also very happy to explain to anyone willing to listen how this whole transitioning thing works.

That doesn’t however mean I’m willing to explore my gender identity in the office during my 9-5 while tackling low-hanging fruits, circling back and taking things offline. Being dead inside while presenting fem won’t bring me gender euphoria, especially when I’m not yet capable of serving cunt at work to the extent I want to do it. So better avoid awkward looks in the meantime.

Once my name and profile pic are different on Slack and LinkedIn – that’s when I’ll start getting the kind of attention I don’t necessarily want. Despite my pretty good professional qualities, once the transition is out there for anyone I don’t necessarily want to talk to to see – they will all become secondary to how I am to be perceived and defined, against my wishes.

So I better kick ass at my job and look good while doing it. And you bet I’ll be vocal to my network about my struggles too, whenever that matters for the context. Not to make being trans my entire personality of course, but I think we can agree it’s a pretty big deal nonetheless.

I know that my dysphoria will not go away the moment I’m legally a woman. For the hormones to reach the peak of their effect on my body I still have to wait for around 2 years – meaning I’ll be having gender dysphoria on top of the body image issues that cis women have to deal with for their entire lives.

And I’ve only mostly touched upon the aesthetics and social presentation in this post. There is so much more to deal with along the way: discrimination, bigoted parts of the family, a somehow even worse dating life, the unbearable pain that comes with transitioning – both mental and physical. It is no walk in the park, I can tell you that.

Despite that, I am so so excited for the future. With the increasing chaos and hostility in the world surrounding us, finally being able to transition and live the way I always wanted is genuinely the only thing that keeps me going and makes me happy. Comes at a massive price I’ll never stop paying though.