For many different reasons I have been pretty inactive with the blog this month. Though a lot is happening that I would like to talk about, at the moment I find it hard to focus on putting any coherent thoughts together. There are just too many of them – I have like 5 different drafts waiting to be released into the wild.
I just lack the energy to follow through with those for now.
July has been a pretty mixed month for me. Though my social transition is slowly kicking into the high gear, I am still in this weird in-between non-binary state most of the time. Definitely no longer a man in the traditional sense of that term – yet not a woman in the way I want to present myself.
My dysphoria has been fluctuating wildly this month and I’m working really hard to handle it as soon as possible. All of my friends (or even some of their parents) and many colleagues who know what I’m up to have been very supportive and helpful. Thank you for being there for me!
Some other people, however, still try to help when nobody asked them to, and I avoid this kind of “help” like wildfire, knowing the harm it had caused me before. Maybe I’ll be more explicit about what kind of harm one day.
I could probably write a book about the scale of self-harm I’ve seen the people I grew up around commit. (Arguably unconsciously) hurting themselves was not enough for them – whenever there would be a close person/ family member who did something that would not fit their own perception of normalcy, they would try and interfere, “fix” things.
How ironically Russian of them, to decide on someone else’s behalf what’s best for them and breach their boundaries with unsolicited opinions. And you’d come out relatively unscathed if it only ends with opinions and not actions. Until recently I’ve been guilty of doing those things myself, and am now trying my best to learn from this experience and be a better person.
The moment I realised how toxic the cycle I was about to break was, the preference of spending most of my life by myself made sense.
Growing up, though I had the kind of childhood most people in my region live through – many of my life’s positive learning experiences happened in isolation from everyone. Things that would make me stand out if I talked about them publicly, in an environment as ignorant to the outside world as the Russian Estonian community of 2000s/2010s.
(it’s actually even worse now because of the war)
Learning about other cultures in detail, beyond what the mainstream media in either Estonia or Russia shows. While I understand Estonia’s opposition to all things Russia, the obsession of this country with the United States is truly a clinical case. And that’s coming from someone with a lot of American friends. I have so much to say about this – there will be a post on it.
I also got to better understand the struggles of the LGBTQ+ community. Something that is so looked down upon in the Russian culture that no one in my entire family reached out in the aftermath of the attack at Berlin’s Pride last weekend. Same people who would always have something to say about me not conforming to their perception of normalcy. Very caring of them.
And to everyone who did reach out, thanks for being better human beings. The bar is pretty low I’m afraid, especially these days with all the hate.
A lot is said these days about how a child can get radicalised or groomed online. Many governments these days implement mandatory identification policies for using certain platforms, under the guise of protecting children. Though the misfortune that those children go through is valid, we all understand that governments restrict online access for a different reason.
Personally, I am grateful for the unrestricted Internet access I had the fortune of experiencing decades ago. Though it definitely left a mark on this impressionable child, I was also exposed to the kind of knowledge I knew the people I grew up with would try to hide from me – simply because the concepts I was into were too foreign for them to grasp.
Of course, it is only natural that you’d be protected from something that people do not understand enough to be confident in the safety of learning said concepts. That is totally valid in the case of raising children and I have nothing against parents who only wish the best for their offsprings.
However, once this “protection” and persuasion spills further into one’s adult life, this is where I draw the line for myself and my inner peace.
No matter the kind of queer community you’re exposed to or the support of your loved ones – going through a gender transition is a very lonely experience. Your average person doesn’t ever have doubts about their gender identity, which alone makes it close to impossible for them to relate to your struggles. Good thing I’m used to going through things by myself.
If it takes isolating myself from everyone for some time in order to be happy in the long term, being alone is a necessity – not a choice. Especially if you know there are people out there who can’t mind their own business.
Like having someone you barely talk to suddenly reach out to you and lecture on mental health issues, asking if I talked to a specialist, like I’m mentally handicapped and have no idea what I’m doing. Not condescending or insulting to my critical thinking at all.
Babes, I’ve come from having to work summer jobs as a teenager and being fully employed during high school years because I could almost never get anything beyond essentials from my family, to making six figures by 27 years old. It must’ve taken a good deal of brainpower, agency and discipline to get there. Need I mention I speak four languages daily? I’m good, thank you.
I will live my life the way I see it makes me happy, and if it comes to that I’ll also reap what I sow. Surely you don’t want me to tell how you should be living your life. We’re both better off speaking to a therapist who knows what they’re talking about.
If you got nothing supportive to say, leave me alone.