At my most hedonist ever, as of late. Though I’ve been back at work for almost a month – it’s been lovely. The colleagues have been generously welcoming. I saw so many good friends over the past two weeks back in Berlin. A wonderful feeling of having been missed.
Ironically, it was also a kaleidoscope of bonding over suffering. The FEX now stops at Südkreuz so you can’t take it up north. It’s icy and dangerous on the streets outside. BVG yet again can’t settle with the unions so most public transport is off limits this weekend. The sky has been grey most of the time, but finally we see the sun. This list goes on and on.
Of course, it is not without precedent that strong bonds form over shared grievances. That’s how we have nation states. Yet the same is proven to be achieved with the opposite, so why go down the path of negativity?
What could the reason be beyond just unhealed trauma? Is it perhaps the fear of standing out? Or the opposite – the fear of having never made it?
At least these reasons come to my mind. Which one could it be for me?
Unhealed trauma – probably a given. It’s not an enviable position to be the eldest son in a Slavic family, especially when you show academic excellence early on in life. It’s the stereotypical Asian parents situation through and through. I will forever be jealous of the Germans with their approach.
The fear of standing out – there sure is some of that too. I’ve been friends with someone who has become more of their Instagram profile rather than a real person. This fate is something I try to avoid at all cost, yet I don’t think this should come at the expense of suppressing myself and my personality.
And to be afraid of never having made it? I’m way past that point to begin with.
(expect more self-inflating content like that in the future btw)
Perhaps it’s about not getting the love you think you deserve? But you can’t decide on their behalf how to feel about you – so why bother if they don’t provide you with that? I have all the love to give to those who equally reciprocate it. Those who can’t love me for what I am need not waste their precious time on me. I have got better things to do as well.
Yet it’s the suffering I try to avoid that makes me bond with so many people, and not just in Berlin – but globally too. Massive income inequality and injustice in some Southeast Asian countries. How the Global West outsources the climate crisis to the Global South. A bit more than daily Berlin inconveniences. Suddenly, life feels amazing in comparison.
Talking about misfortune that is magnitudes larger than whatever my peers and I experience on a daily basis puts things into perspective. At times I can’t help but distance myself emotionally from some of these topics, but it helps me tackle immediate inconveniences in detail and without fail.
Numbing myself emotionally – perhaps. But being healthy at everything isn’t necessarily compatible with some of my life goals. Healthy body, healthy mind, healthy relationships – whichever. Something’s got to give.
Would I call that suffering? Absolutely not – I’m doing it willingly. Regardless of what I shape myself to be, I will do my best to bring net positive to this world. I might not be important, but I’m happy to just be useful.
The point of this whole text is that suffering is a really contradictory feeling to me. Perhaps the best way to explain is that I prefer to not suffer because enough people in this world do anyway. For the same reason I don’t mind to suffer – but just a for little bit, for the greater good.
And I absolutely won’t chase the challenge in order to carry the results of it with me like a badge of honour. I’ve been rushed by something or someone for a decent chunk of my life. Being usually the youngest in most rooms today is good enough for me to take it easy for a bit. The world’s is a mess as is already and I won’t change it for the better by myself any faster.